A pound of stress, a cup of coffee and a dash of anxiety are not good for the soul (or gut)

Ok, I know it's been awhile since I've posted an update. And I've debated back and forth whether or not to actually write this update. But I promised for the get-go that I would use the blog as a way to capture my honest thoughts, feelings and emotions. So here goes.

I have a confession - the last few days haven't been great physically. Several Crohn's symptoms have returned in the last few days. I actually went back on a small dose of my meds (minus the prednisone) to try to get my body back in order. But as I think over the last few days and try to figure out what might have caused this re-lapse I can pin-point three things: stress, coffee and anxiety.

A pound of stress:
So if you've talked to me in the last few weeks and asked how work was, I probably gave a sarcastic answer or rolled my eyes. While I still love my job (let me make that completely clear) it has been filled with tons of stress recently. I think 1/4 of the stress is just part of the job. By the nature of the job, non-profits are hard, and even harder when the economy is struggling. Demand for services increases, which means more money is needed. But the supply of money has shrunk - so for a fundraiser like me, you have to get creative, smart and dedicated to do your job. Another 1/4 of the stress has to do with some internal changes at work. I'm not going to go into them. I'm actually excited to see how this new structure will work out in the long run. But there are folks who are upset or resistant to the change - so it's been stressful navigating the mind field of who is fighting or embracing the changes. And then the last half of my stress is to do with a "little" thing called Heart in Hand. This is an awards luncheon that we've done for the last 26 years and there are typically 250 guests. This year I have single-handily organized the entire event (securing sponsors, soliciting nominations, sending out invitations, working with the venue and caterer, etc). I've had a little support here and there - my intern helped write the script and our marketing department designed some of the printed materials. But ultimately this event falls on my shoulders, and almost all of the entire president's cabinet of my organization is going to be there. And if it wasn't stressful enough - due to the changes at work, I'm speaking during the event. I'd rather be behind the scenes making sure everything goes smoothly, but as hard as I tried to figure someone else to do it, I was the logically person. And if I didn't mention it, the luncheon is next Friday.

Stress and Crohn's do not mix. Anything you read about Crohn's will say one of the top triggers is stress. Obviously all this stress has not been good for me. But I am trying to find ways to reduce my stress - I try to walk at the park next to my house and I'm going this Saturday for a massage. But please don't tell me to try to destress my life - that just stresses me out.

A cup of coffee:
Confession #2 - Despite commercially ground coffee being on the avoid list of the Maker's Diet, I have enjoyed several cups of coffee recently. I know, not good. I think it goes back to my days as a reporter. Before I would get started on a big story I was get a cup of coffee or a Coke - maybe the caffeine just helped me focus. And with all the stress at work, and with Heart in Hand looming around the corner, I've returned to my comfort of coffee.

I know it's bad. And I can tell you that I have more symptoms on days that I drink coffee than those that I don't. I know it's a big culprit of this relapse. So pray that I will regain that will-power to just say no. And also that this cold weather will go away. I tend to drink coffee more when it's cold.

A dash of anxiety:
I know the Bible said we shouldn't be anxious about anything; but I have a little anxiety right now. Besides being anxious about everything related to Heart in hand, I am a little anxious about my upcoming vacation. In a couple days, I'm going with my friend Elise to Hawaii to visit her cousin Stephy (who is the daughter of the Spanish missionaries that I've worked with). I'm super excited about this vacation (I need and deserve this vacation), but everything leading up to it has me just a little anxious. I miss the days when you were little and can go on vacation worry free. Now I have to worry about what I might miss at work, finding someone to get my mail, making sure I have everything packed and my tickets printed. Kids have it good. There is also some anxiety about going so far away when I don't feel 100 %. If things don't get better soon, I will call my doctor and I'll probably have to go back on prednisone. But I don't want that. I want to enjoy myself on this amazing trip I've planned for and waited for.

I know I've written a pretty negative blog. And while I'm frustrated, anxious, concerned and a little overwhelmed, I am not discouraged.

Within the last few days several things have happened that have encouraged and lifted me up. The biggest has been two prophetic words that were spoken over me on Sunday night at church.

Hackett sings about in a song called "The Lowest Place." If you look at the words to the song that I have roughly posted below, its a reminder to me that this commitment to the Maker's Diet most importantly is a testament of my faith. And pure joy is only found in God when you completely surrender everything and get to the lowest place so that God can bring you back up.

Here are the word (but the songs is worth downloading)
"You said there would be joy in the laying down; you said there would be joy in the letting go; you said there would be joy in the giving of my life. And now I sing; Your river rushes to the lowest place (4x); come and rush over me (3x); let the river flow; I bow down; I get low; I open up my heart to receive your love; I gotta get to the wells of joy; I have to dig for the wells of joy; I've gotta get to the wells of joy; I gotta get lower."

The second prophetic word came from a complete stranger. She prayed Psalms 103 over me. Little did she know that Psalms 103 is probably one of my favorite Psalms. Mandy Mann sings an amazing song called Psalms 103 that I think is so beautiful - one of my favorites. While the entire chapter is full of good words, it starts off "Praise the Lord, O my soul; all my inmost being praise his holy name. Praise the Lord, O my soul; and forget not all his benefits - for he forgives all your sings and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things." Now that is good stuff!

Thank you for allowing me to be honest. If you feel compelled to pray for me (and I hope you are) here are a couple prayer request:
1. Healing would come to my body
2. I would regain the will power to stick to the diet
3. I would remain encouraged
4. My journey would be a testament of God's power and Glory

Until next time...